Kash Patel's Plot Against The Kingdom

America Just Handed the Inmates the Keys to the Whole Asylum

Kash Patel. Seen here catching his grandparents in the act on the garage ping-pong table.

This crazy-eyed lunatic who looks like he forgot to wear his pants to work and then used a traffic cone because his co-workers hid his office chair in the janitor's closet is Kashyap Patel. He prefers you just call him Kash.

If you want to buy any of Kash's merchandise—such as a pink "Kash Patel Fan Club" hoodie or a "45-47" Trump T-shirt, just look for the logo "K$H" (because "Kashyap" sounds like "CashApp" which reminds you of money, so...dollar $igns. Get it?)

K$H gear. Because sometimes bumper stickers can't tell the whole story.

If right-wing "Don't Tread On Me" print-on-demand made-in-China t-shirt's aren't your thing, perhaps K$H can interest you in his children's book series "The Plot Against the King," a not-even-trying-to-be-subtle allegory about the evil harpy Hillary Queenton trying to rig their kingdom's upcoming "Choosing Day" against the golden-haired merchant Donald Trump with the help of the diabolical "Russionians."

On the plus side, each book comes with 4 pointed corners that can be used to gouge out your own eyes.

(And just in case you're thinking this children's trilogy probably shouldn't exist and definitely couldn't get any stupider, yes, the only hero in the entire kingdom who can save King Donald is the mighty Wizard Kash.)

But perhaps neither pink hoodies nor cringe children's books are your thing because you're not a naked adult sitting on a traffic cone, in which case K$h would like to interest you in his grownup version of The Plot Against the King story: "Government Gangsters" about a "sinister cabal of corrupt law enforcement personnel, intelligence agents, and military officials at the highest levels of government plotting to overthrow a president."

“A brilliant roadmap highlighting every corrupt actor, to ultimately return our agencies and departments to work for the American People…we will use this blueprint to help us take back the White House and remove these Gangsters from all of Government!” — Donald J. Trump

Now, if you're thinking, "Shane, this just sounds like a fictionalized regurgitation of every Fox News* Deep State wet dream conspiracy ever!" I'll see your "justifiable skepticism" and raise you a "Would Steve Bannon turn it into a movie if it WASN'T 100% God's-Honest Truth?"

(Because Steve Bannon definitely did that.)

And on the off chance I didn't just completely demolish your last objection, this literary critique of Kash's book should finish you off:

“A brilliant roadmap highlighting every corrupt actor, to ultimately return our agencies and departments to work for the American People…we will use this blueprint to help us take back the White House and remove these Gangsters from all of Government!” – Donald J. Trump

(Donald J. Trump the PERSON is the same character as the Donald Trump from the kid's book, making this the Single Most Trustworthy Book Review in the history of western civilization.)

Now, if for some reason you're STILL thinking, "I'm just too busy applying for a passport and trying to emigrate to Norway before the DOGE children of the corn siphon off my 401K and steal my Natflix password to read Wizard Kash's book!" allow me to summarize it for you:

K$H Patel's book is a collection of news segment conspiracies Alex Jones threw in the trash for being too insane. After he's done connecting dots that don't exist with red yarn that's simultaneously tacked to the wall and glued to his face and also doesn’t exist, he compiles a 60-person "Enemy Hit List" of all the "Deep State actors" he would "totally go after" were he to ever find himself in a position of power (which thankfully would never happen since he's clearly insane. I mean, just LOOK at the guy.)

No, over here on your left, Mr. Ka$h.

KA$H's Komplete Hit Li$t:

1. Michael Atkinson – Former Inspector General of the intelligence community

2. Lloyd Austin – Former Secretary of Defense under President Biden

3. Brian Auten – Former Supervisory intelligence analyst, FBI

4. James Baker – Former general counsel for the FBI and Twitter executive

5. Bill Barr – Former Attorney General under Trump

6. John Bolton – Former national security adviser under Trump

7. Stephen Boyd – Former Chief of Legislative Affairs, FBI

8. Joe Biden – Former President of the United States

9. John Brennan – Former CIA Director under President Obama

10. John Carlin – Former DOJ national security division head under Trump

11. Eric Ciaramella – Former National Security Council staffer

12. Pat Cipollone – Former White House counsel under Trump

13. James Clapper – Former Director of National Intelligence under Obama

14. Hillary Clinton – Former Secretary of State and presidential candidate

15. James Comey – Former FBI director

16. Elizabeth Dibble – Former Deputy chief of Mission, U.S. embassy, London

17. Mark Esper – Former Secretary of Defense under Trump

18. Alyssa Farah – Former Strategic Communications Director under Trump

19. Evelyn Farkas – Former Pentagon official under Obama

20. Sarah Isgur Flores – Former DOJ communications head under Trump

21. Merrick Garland – Former Attorney General under Biden

22. Stephanie Grisham – Former White House press secretary under Trump

23. Kamala Harris – Former Vice President and presidential candidate

24. Gina Haspel – Former CIA director under Trump

25. Fiona Hill – Former National Security Council staffer

26. Curtis Heide – FBI agent

27. Eric Holder – Former Attorney General under Obama

28. Robert Hur – Special Counsel for Biden document investigation

29. Cassidy Hutchinson – Former assistant to Trump Chief of Staff Mark Meadows

30. Nina Jankowicz – Former head of Biden’s Disinformation Governance Board

31. Lois Lerner – Former IRS official under Obama

32. Loretta Lynch – Former Attorney General under Obama

33. Charles Kupperman – Former Deputy National Security Adviser under Trump

34. Gen. Kenneth McKenzie (Ret.) – Former CENTCOM commander

35. Andrew McCabe – Former FBI Deputy Director

36. Ryan McCarthy – Former Secretary of the Army under Trump

37. Mary McCord – Former DOJ National Security Division head

38. Denis McDonough – Former Obama Chief of Staff, VA secretary

39. Gen. Mark Milley (Ret.) – Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

40. Lisa Monaco – Deputy Attorney General under Biden

41. Robert Mueller – Former FBI Director and Russiagate special counsel

42. Bruce Ohr – Former DOJ official under Obama and Trump

43. Nellie Ohr – Former CIA employee

44. Lisa Page – Former FBI counsel

45. Pat Philbin – Former Deputy White House counsel under Trump

46. John Podesta – Former Obama adviser, former Biden climate adviser

47. Samantha Power – Former U.N. ambassador under Obama, former USAID administrator

48. Bill Priestap – Former FBI counterintelligence chief

49. Susan Rice – Former Obama national security adviser

50. Rod Rosenstein – Former Deputy Attorney General under Trump

51. Adam Schiff – Senator and former House Intelligence Committee chairman

52. Peter Strzok – Former FBI counterintelligence agent

53. Jake Sullivan – National Security Adviser under Biden

54. Michael Sussman – Former DNC lawyer

55. Miles Taylor – Former DHS official under Trump

56. Timothy Thibault – Former FBI agent

57. Andrew Weissman – Mueller’s Russiagate deputy

58. Alexander Vindman – Former National Security Council official

59. Christopher Wray – Former FBI Director under Trump and Biden

60. Sally Yates – Former Deputy Attorney General under Obama

Though not on his Top 60 List, KA$H also names Rep Eric Swallwell, ex-Congressman and former House Speaker Paul Ryan, Steele Dossier author Christopher Steele, and "the entire fake news mafia press corp" as people he would target for investigation, prosecution, incarceration, or possible execution.

Thankfully, Ka$h Patel is keeping himself too busy these days making Conspiracy Theories For Kids coloring books (probably) and K$H-branded florescent-orange-camo Oath Keeper oven mitts [citation needed] to take any of his wide-eyed, bats*** insanity seriously.

Sorry, I read that wrong.

Ka$h Patel was just confirmed Trump's new Director of the FBI today.